Beyond my control!!…

Well in my last post I had never had anything to do with Mental Health and had just been threatened over the phone! This is what happened next….I was shocked, it had never happened before, I didn’t know what to do! I was super stressed, panicking, shaking, my brain just went into meltdown. It was trying to solve the problem and what the possible outcomes would be, there were some dark thoughts going through and all were bad. I had to meet my wife at a school PTA meeting. But I was sure he was coming to get me! I got into my van and went to meet my wife, but just before I left I “ tooled up” hidden. we went in but I said nothing, I didn’t know what to say, what do you say? All voices were like I was underwater, vision was blurry round the edges and nothing went in. Afterwards we went to her car and I blurted it out. I was in tears, something I never do! the docs were shut, I said we cant go home, he will be there. she said what a load of rubbish! I said no we cant, lets go to mums or a hotel, she laughed I think? then I said take me to A&E or the police station. She said no we are going home!

So we went home in her car, I was having panic attacks all the way, we turned up and he wasn’t there, was he hiding? I locked the door, then sat on the bed and phoned him. He answered and I sobbed down the phone, and he just said “get over it and sort yourself out”. I just flopped on the bed numb. My wife came in and saw the “ tool” I had stashed away on my person. She said what is that for!!??!! I said it was just in case. She took it off me.

I now confined myself to the house, waiting to see if he would turn up, this was for the next few days. I went shopping with my wife once but had to end it fast as I couldn’t cope. So we went to the docs which sent me home. I spent my time trawling the net for suicide method’s, there success vs pain, I had a chart. I idealised suicide for the next year. We went to the docs again and this time got a letter to take to A&E.

saw the access team and they said I didn’t need hospital just home visits, this lasted 4 days when one turned up early and I was just about to take all my piss and a bottle of vodka and jump off a multi-story. He took me to a mental health unit. 

spent 8 days in there and looked out the window for 6 hours straight no movement, then tried to drown myself and was stopped, and climbed on there roof but though I’m only going to break bones so didn’t, but 8 cops turned up just in case.

sent home, 4 days I was taken to another unit. Here I stayed a month and they tried adding pills and some group sessions. It sort of took the edge off it. When I was home I lasted 3 weeks till I went back in as the new pills stopped me functioning fully and it added fuel to the I don’t want to be here pile!

Another change pills and more groups for a month. When I came out I had a care co who was nice. But I couldn’t get it over to her that I was on the brink of full blown crisis every minute of the day. I tried poisoning my self and 3 other attempts on my life over the next 8 months, all while trawling the net for exits, not working, selling the house, writing a will etc…. my mind was like a whirlwind but also seemed to be on standby all at the same time! how does that happen??? I was trying to solve the issue. I hardly left the house, I just couldn’t function properly. Just have visions and nightmares of how I was going to kill myself everyday many times a day.

My doctors mucked up my tablets all the time so I started getting a collection but took no notice, then one day out of the blue I said naff it, and necked 5 months worth. This was may this year, and all I know I woke up in hospital after being in a coma for 5 days but my memory didn’t come back till 8 days latter. Apparently I pulled all my wires and tube out 4 times and the one down my throat. I still wanted to die. 

But after 2 weeks things started to change, I wanted to be alive a bit, forget what has happened………

Thanks again for reading, I will make shorter ones when I catch up to the present day. Next is the start of recovery. Remember it takes time, and not everything works the same for every person. that’s why we are INDIVIDUALS 

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