34, male, self employed for 10 years, self made, married for 9 years, child, house, pets, friends, a few interests.Now it all seems great right? as some people say “ you got it all” or “ its all going for you” ( I hate those sayings ) But lets look back at it from the beginning ( not with a fine comb though )
At primary school I seemed to be ok, had a fair few friends that would be my core group for life so far, you know the ones you may not speak to everyday-month but can just pick up from where you last left off. I wasn’t great on the learning side apart from art or P.E. I did lots of out of school clubs and things. My mum and dad split, I went with mum and bro stayed with my dad.
Secondary school much of the same but it was harder with friends as there now in different classes, they made more friends and I struggled making good friends. So I was spreading my time trying to fit in with there new groups to keep mine. School work was harder for me and a lack of interest started forming.( like being trapped in a corner and cant get out )after school clubs dwindled to none but had a few hobbies. leaving school I went to college because that’s what my friends were doing. I got my first of many motorbikes 🙂
I ditched college after a year as a fellow student agued with me over a blackbird m/c only was made in black! I said he was wrong because I sold one just the other weekend in burgundy at my Saturday job. He pinched me in the face while my head was against the wall. ouch!!
I had many jobs in just a few years which I exceled in all. why so many? I would do so well really quickly then somehow I would manage to self-destroy and burn all bridges along the way 😦
I had 2 long term girlfriends spanning over secondary school to this point. I was in my last job before self employment. I had a minor breakdown as in I was sick with stress and was in hospital. ( didn’t know it was stress, doc thought it was food intolerance of some kind because I couldn’t keep my food down) Mum convinced it was mental based she convinced the doc and got my 1st antidepressants. I started up on my own shortly after, got off to a flying start, never looked back.
Relationship came to an end with me taking all my pills as I was being sick all the time with stress ( not known at the time ) I was desperate at the time, didn’t know what to do. A&E, charcoal etc…. 1 week later straight out, split up and calling round friends etc, nights out BIG nights outs, min £70 a night 4 nights a week. mostly drink! all happy drink. about a year later I found my wife! as soon as I looked at her I thought I want to marry her ( she dumped her bloke ) I moved in within 2 weeks of meeting her, we decided to have a little one and get married and buy a house, September, October, January ( within a year) I then expanded my business to try to free some of my time and bring in more money.
we got cars, a VW campervan, classic mini, got a restoration project mini, rebuilt the house from the roof down, extended the house. all by my own hands except the gas of course! All while working as much as possible for funds. Then I took on a job that was the one that broke the camels back.
The terms and conditions of the job was set out from both sides and was agreed. It was a big one but I had done bigger. the first day felt wrong in the realms of the customer had changed from when I last did work for him. It was a different type of job before. first 2 days were ok but felt on edge, as if I was going to be chucked off the job. I did ask If I was but he said no. My work mate said he didn’t like him from the start.
I blindly went on and the 4th day came and his wife relayed a message to change the way we were working. I said the pros and cons of doing so, she said “ well that’s what he wants” being a people pleaser and not to rock the boat I went against my professional judgment and did as asked. on the 5th day he said at the end of play he wanted my guy off site and only me. I said it would slow down the job big time but that’s what he wanted that’s what I done.
The following day he said it had to be finished at the end of the week!! I said hang on a mo, that is 2 ½ weeks earlier than agreed!!! he said ” he had a party on the Friday that his wife has organised and he didn’t know about it “ I said its not physically possible even with 3-4 blokes working late. If I had done it my way we could have finished the section we were doing and the other part would have still been usable. He just said its your problem so just sort it. All day I was churning over it and I carried on. that day I got home was sick shaking and stressed to high heaven.
I phoned him, no answer. so I text and said I cant do it, I’m a physical wreck and stressed to the point I cant function. He called back and we went over it, he then threatened me, he said I will come and get me, I said excuse me!!??!! There is no need for that, you told me to change the way we were working, It wouldn’t of happened if we did it my way. The jobs not worth it, have what I have done for free ( £1500 ) He still said I’m coming to get you, then hung up!!!!
I was shocked, stressed and panicked! What do you do??? I went over the edge………
Thank you for reading ( hope your still here ) I will write about my 1st full crisis and intro to Mental Health soon. There is hope for everyone, its just about going through the motions to a point you can go forward. But maybe where you want to be may not be achievable right now. time people, time.
Life with BDP/eupd 