So the last time I had just tried to end my life, this is what happens next…
I woke up as if I had been asleep, when I opened my eyes I thought to myself, hummm I’m in a hospital. I rolled my eyes round at the lights and then down to the end of the bed. I’m in a a comfy bed, curtains around most of it, there are. Nurses busying to and fro and there is one sitting to my left. All of a sudden runs out, then all the curtains open! Then there are about 4 nurses running in, checking god knows what. All I could do was gusture my hand in a little wave and move my eyes. They sit the bed up a bit so I could see properly. I feel somewhat relaxed but thinking how the hell did I end up here! Was it an accident? Did I have a heart attack? What’s going on!?!?
It seemed like 5 minutes but could have been hours I could move a bit more. This nurse/ porter walked slowly passed and said hi, I have been asked by your wife to tell her how you are. He looked different to all the others and I thought he was going to kill me! I thought are you why I’m in here?!!! I sunk into my bed as I thought this is it, he will pull the curtains round and kill me. I was glad when he went out the door. The door he went out of had a sticker in the window of three faces peeking in and it said something like are the patients in privacy ( or something like that) but I couldn’t see the writing for another 6 hours so I thought they were real people looking at me. One of the nurses in charge said I’m glad your with us now chap! She looked like it was a worry off her mind.
I was confused as to why I was in hospital, no memory whatsoever. I was just bemused by it all. I just laid there unaware what had happened. Then the horrible stuff happened! Needed the loo ( no 2) I couldn’t speak only whisper, this man got the. Bed pan out and oh gosh, what a horrible feeling. This went on every 20mins or so for the next few hours.
Apparently when in a coma your body shuts down the toilet department, so all those meds were stuck in there! They had to come out some time. My bro was my first visitor, I was glad to see him. I asked why I was here? He said do I not remember? No. he said maybe you need to ask Kelly. I said I didn’t get drunk and hit her or anything did I!!?? ( bdp coming in there) no he said. After some prodding he told me. Ohhhh can’t remember it I thought. We had a chat and I thought well that’s torn it! I have lost my wife and child, no one would ever want to stay after that!
I said to him that to my left is the horse and calf birthing unit, and to my right are all the human side. He looked at me funny and just nodded his head. He went along with it. ( was nice of him) he left soon after. That night was a long night, I was on an air bed that inflated and deflated every so often and when it did my eyes would shut and I had purple dots like stars and would whoosh around like they went into warp! Then I thought the nurses on the horse and calf unit had it in for me, I thought there was fireworks going on outside set off by them, one was on the phone saying no one can see them it’s fine for you to land!! Thought he was talking to some aliens!! I had to get out!
I tried to sit up, a nurse from the human side came and said what are you doing? I said I got to leave he is planing an invasion I have to leave!!! She tried to convince me I am in the best place but I was determined to leave. I managed to sit up, and started to pull my cannula out, she got the other nurses over ( from the horse side) to help, and is said I’m going and told them what I thought. She said how are you going to get home? I said walk. But you just about sit up! I said take me to the fence and I will do the rest. She sat with me for 20 mins and talked me out of it. Then put my cannula in. About 6am things started to make a bit more sense. It was change over and I called the guy over and apologised to him, he said it’s ok, I have put you ventilation tube in 4 times do you not remember? Nope I thought. He said don’t worry you are very ill and we will look after you. It still took me 4 days to find out it wasn’t a horse and calf unit to my left and I found that out when they wheeled my in there to be cleaned up to go to a ward.
That was the first time I drank anything and had a bite to eat. God the drink felt good!!!! A lovely nurse game me a good old bed bath. I was clean yay!!! A doctor came round and basically said am I going to do it again? I thought really quickly and said no ( even if I was I wouldn’t tell you) as it was the fastest way out. I was so desperate to leave and see my family. That’s when I cryied my eyes out. It wouldn’t stop, the smallest of things would set me off.
I got onto a ward and it was nice. Still couldn’t get up. Bed pan still 😦 that night I swear the nurses went round throwing stuff out the window having a tidy up!!! 3 days pass and I can get up on my own but not stand, I had a shower on a wheelchair! Gosh it was nice, wore me out though. Had to go back to bed. 3 days more and I started to walk with a zimmer. How old did I feel??? About 5 days later I got assessed by mental health team. They said I had to go to the unit but there were no beds. They came back in 2 hours and said there is one in pq. Pq!!!! That’s the secure unit!!!! Oh no not there. Only till there is a bed in the normal one. That night I get transferred, I was dreading it! I thought I was going to be miss treated.
Turned out to be quite nice. Your let out every hour into the garden, there are only 8 people there. I had punomia and I wasn’t allowed drink as it was only at curtain times, that didn’t help. 2 days and there was a bed in the normal unit. So off I went and was there for a week ish. There I remembered I smoked and what had happened! When I left I felt I have to get out of this mess I’m in and sort myself out. It was as if suicide ideation had left me. Now is the time to get myself back from this dark place im in.
So this is my turning point, I have some how changed my thought on killing myself, so let’s run with this!!!!
Thanks for reading ( if your still here) leave a comment or like if you like it. Next is what happens when I get home