So, after a rough time getting over pneumonia ( while smoking) and not getting the right treatment ( I wanted ECT ) in the hospital unit I was sent home as the psychiatric doctor said we can’t do anything for you! Once home I was a bundle of nerves, shaking hands almost all the time. I had this drive of I want to sort out my life, or more accurately my relationship with my wife. I was so surprised that she was still with me! Who in there right mind would want to be with a stupid idiot like me? Anyone on the outside of my brain should be thinking that he doesn’t care about anyone, he just wants to die and #*$¥ anyone else. To this day I still don’t know why she stayed!!! The fact I made it so easy for her to go, as in I had a will written, all bills paid, all passcodes etc all set out for her before I tried topping myself.
After about two weeks I felt I hit a mile stone as we gelled again. All the trying and effort I was putting in ( with a lot of pulling back so not to smother her to much) things started to get back on track. Which made me relaxed and my next attempt ( if our relationship ended) went out the window!! For the 1st time since July 2015 I didn’t think of killing myself! And we are talking everyday I was thinking about it. The only thing was what to think about instead? My thoughts were like a blank page. Completely blank! This is where my mind started to get frustrated on where to go next, as normal it was thinking of work. What to do for a job? It kept chasing its tail and coming all the way back to zero. I didn’t want to go back to what I did before, being self employed. As I feared it would all start again, it would all mount up, just get in the rut of my previous life.
So with the help of my CPN and family we put that aside. He said it is way to early to think about work! Just take baby steps. This is hard for bdp as it goes from nothing to all in one leap. So we concentrated on a plan of how to treat myself on an hourly time scale. It all depended on how I felt at the time and what to do if I slipped into distress, or if I went ott. We also started looking forward on what treatment was best for me, we went through what I need from others when I’m good( stage 1) and when I’m super bad ( stage 4) you know what helps and what doesn’t. I think this helped others more than me but it took up my time as I thought I was more capable then what I actually was.
The most important thing I learnt was to just ride with my feelings. It took a bit of control but soon got the hang of learning new feelings and how to react ( or how not to) to them. I just had to be mindful of my brain and how it ticks.
One important thing to me was I felt I had been sucked into the sun which was the mental health service! Sounds odd right? Trying to get away from one thing that was helping me??? Thing is there great when your in the really bad phase of your illness but when your coming out the other side it’s like your connected by a rubber band and you will be slammed back into frustration and then spiral back to the bottom of your feelings again. But you still need them for stability. So I limited the amount of visits I needed, once every two weeks and only see there doc once every three months.
So this is where I leave you really, we are up to date almost. I haven’t gone into super detail but I will go over some bits when I feel I can ( or remember lol)
If there are any questions just leave a comment and I will answer back. So just to say thanks for reading and that there is hope! There is help! I for one was a person that didn’t believe anyone could possibly have felt anything like I did! But there must be thousands it’s just there hiding and trying to cope, not realising that there not well. So please come out and talk, it does help, trust me. Xxxxx
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