In a worse position 

If feel I’m in a worse position now than before I knew I had BDP. 

Before I had my bad episode which has taken my down a long road of pure hell, there wasn’t any moment in my life I thought I was ill in any way or form. Not even when the family doctor said I had depression. Maybe due to the fact that when you see a doctor in England you have only a 10 minute slot. So they say oh I think you have depression and here is a box of tablets. They don’t look into it, there is no follow up, no information, and your left to your own devices to either find out your doing better, or if you feel worse, go back and say I feel like x or y. I didn’t even take it onboard or anything, I just carried on as normal and on a sliding scale got steadily worse ( not that I knew) possibly people around me may have seen me get worse but no one said anything to my knowledge.

Now on the other hand after my big episode I have to be vigilant about everything all the time. I have recently come off duloxetine and after a week or so my spinning head due to eye movement has passed to a manageable level. I feel tired really quickly after doing minimal stuff. I find mental tasks actually drain me to a point it affects my physical self, my joints and muscles ache and I can’t do anything and it’s a major effort to get up the stairs for instance!!

I haven’t done much today apart from spray the mini bonnet ready to do the whole front end later this week, and I found myself falling asleep while reading a book to my son several times and totally lost the plot!!!! 

When I was in my episode in the past year and a bit, even at the height of it I could manage better because I felt I could say to my loving wife ” I need half hour to chill” and I would be on my own to practice mindfulness or listen to music or just get my head down. But as I have been told I’m doing really well and I’m getting better I feel I can’t justify saying “I need 10mins” anymore. Or should I say I don’t even think of it anymore! It’s as if my brain has jumped to thinking ” all is well and your normal” ” you have no excuse to have 10mins any more as your normal now” But every waking moment I am monitoring my thoughts, emotions and physical state which I know is not normal by any means. But this is the only way I can get through a day. 

BDP experience is your brain can forget the now and it goes to the worst or best case scenario in a flash, it can yo-yo back and forth multiple times in a day. And when you know your doing it but can’t control it, it is infuriating and you end up beating your self up about it, then it starts going all out of control. All because you forget to or don’t warrant looking after yourself by saying ” I need 10 minutes me time” BDP will not go away as all my doctors and health care team say there is no treatment just skills to learn and put into practice. 

So on the face of it, I have to do a normal life, with added monitoring all day to keep in check all emotions feelings thoughts etc….. no wonder my brain can’t always cope. No wonder I didn’t want to be here a few months back, but I will try my hardest!!! It’s just some days I need a reminder I’m not well,it’s normally when in a small episode it’s self!!!!! 

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