I didn’t want to post this too soon as I didn’t know how it would work out. I didn’t believe it was possible to come back from impending termination of my own life by my own hand!! I was hell bent on it, wild horses couldn’t and didn’t stop it. Only when my body shut down and was on life support did this madness disappear!! ( I don’t know how why it went but it did) there was an odd instance when I was trapped in the mental health unit after coming round I was frustrated not being able to be with my family, me and a new buddy ( fellow inmate ) sat outside and flipped a rizzla packet to see who would try strangulation that night. I was chosen, I tried, blacked out, came too, had to be cut out, that was that. I put it down to still having loads of quitiapine still inside from the od, made me have bad thought patterns pneumonia etc….
anyway only two months form the od I found myself pulling away from anything to do with mental health. It felt they were holding me back from starting recovery some how. I had an urge of trying to stand on my own two feet, I did need some support but I wanted to be the one in charge of what support. It started off with getting hold of the mental health doctors secutarys number, booking an appointment asap! I had been waiting for 5 months. I got one three days later!!! Omg. We went through a plan of me behaving myself and doing what they asked for three months to get off one week meds and going to two week meds, as the family doctors could not prosess them on time so I would be without them for a few days!!! It was hard until I complained to NHS England about the practice. They said they couldn’t move me to another practice because they don’t do that. 4 days later I had a call from them and said we are looking to move you!!?? Wtf? Thought they wouldn’t help! Three days later I was moved! Yay, the stress of meds were now sorted! The last meds from the old practice were my normal ones plus three old ones, so I ended up with two months of the stuff!!! Now how shit does it have to be to give a recent od patient two months worth…… the mind boggles. I did hand them back as they would only talk to me to take them!!!
Then out of the blue my wife’s friend said they were looking for a new caretaker to help the old one out, as he was not very well. It’s only 7 hrs,I was like ” yes I can do that” ” no I can’t can I ” ” yes I can” etc….. after some encouragement from my wife, I said ok I will do it. It’s been a month now, and I find I can do it ! Bit tired some days, think the mental side makes me tired. Not that it’s taxing, just the control of my thoughts and feelings while I’m there. Not saying the wrong thing, nothing inappropriate no politics no sport and no sex jokes etc…. just be professional.
I was frightened of saying I had mental health issues, after a week or two it kind of slipped out! To my surprise they were very supportive! Since then I have been asked to do a few more hours as the othe guy has handed his notice in due to ill health. I feel really sorry for him because he wants to live, I didn’t, and he is suffering. I wish this was not the case, I wish I could take it away from him so I suffered instead as a punishment for what I have done to myself! (Bdp talking again)
So just as a small sum up, if you ever think that a peer support worker has never been there, think that it’s not possible, I just want to say it is possible! I’m living proof!! They may not have the exact experience that you have ( they may have had worse who knows) just think there are many routes from A to B, everyone will choose a different route and we all have different shoes but we all will get there!!! I had to go to the blackness to get rid of my crisis. I’m not condoning it, it’s just that’s how it was for me. Now I’m getting there. Im not perfect but I’m doing it.
Life for me is a blank page, I don’t know what I want to do with it. But this is a start I guess!?!? It gives me a chance to learn the new awareness of me and my health. I know I can’t do a full time job as I have flaked a few times after work and takes a day or two to get back my strength to carry on ( physically speaking) but give it time.
Hope this helps someone out there