Ok I thought I had this under control but maybe not. Maybe because I’m new to the mental health services and the realisation I have a problem I don’t know. Maybe the last year spending everyday and hour on the edge of that tea cup staring in to the point of no return, battling my own internal voice saying you don’t belong here, you have given all you have and it still isn’t enough. Like a poison spreading under my skin and being pushed to that edge, that internal dilemma and not knowing how to deal with it and watching professionals come to me daily, weekly hoping they know how to help but finding I was slipping over that edge. Finally I jumped to see what happened. What did happen was I came back with all that desperation to survive, that will to die got replaced by frustration. I can’t call it a will to live as there seems to be no feeling there. No desire for it but that desire to die has gone. My old habit of keeping my head in numb space and blocking out feelings, thoughts, connection to others etc is back. The only new addition to this is my self awareness of me doing it. I have been told not to do it professionally as this will lead to upset and possibly a rerun of events.
The issue for me is if I challenge this I go out of this state of mind I either get really excited and happy for a moment then crash, or I just crash. Either way it takes a few days to rebalance and get back to where I started. Outside this space of where my mind is at, I find thoughts are like a wasp storm, everything with a potential sting! But I don’t register any thoughts at all in an odd way, or maybe just not the content? I just deal with the here and now, possibly tomorrow if I’m lucky ?? It’s like I can deal with only one thing at a time, size doesn’t matter, just one task at a time. But some of them I can’t deal with it and have to knock it on the head ( this narks me off) I would love leave this state of mind but it’s all I know!
Maybe I’m scared of being disappointed by myself or others or both!??? I make up in my head I can do anything but when it comes to it a bottle it and don’t do it ( this also narks me off! ) guess I will just have to live in this state of mind as I don’t want to go backwards to where I was, but at the same time I don’t want to go to fast forward either, both have there problems I guess, maybe it’s that tea cup I’m worried??