Life is like a piece of litter with BPD/EUPD

I often think of how to describe my life, and one has popped into my head. A piece of litter! The reason for this is quite simple. When there is no breeze around it is at standstill, and when a bit of a breeze comes I get whisked around. The breeze is other people around me, and the more energy others give off the more I will get involved and engage with them. The only thing is, it could be anyone and I can lose sight of those closest to me. EG. I can get to involved at work because there is a lot of energy from many people, many of which don’t know my day-to-day crap, so in turn get treated as normal. And I seem to try to hide my problems so not to be pointed and laughed at. This on the other hand makes me very tired, so when I get home I’m sluggish and non engaging. This is like the breeze has stopped and I’m just lying around on the ground. When my wife only sees the tired sluggish me it is plainly obvious that she will not be there putting her energy into me trying to make me feel better all the time. It puts a strain on her that is not part of a normal relationship. well not day to day anyway. But when she does put energy into it say on my day off I can really bounce back quite quickly.

Also the mental health treatment I receive is very stop start. One minute it’s quite breezy and then the next its very still. The only down side is that if it’s still for too long I can go backwards in varying degrees. It is very easy getting all wrapped up in the moment to then just be dumped at the wayside! There can be times where I think everything is going in the right direction and at a good pace and I want to keep it up, and then stop! You hear nothing from them for a long period and feel forgotten about. This is when the warped part of my thinking can get the better of me so I have to challenge them and stay on track. Sometimes successful sometimes not. I would like to just fly around in the breeze all the time and never stop as I wouldn’t get time to think about where I am and what I’m feeling, but from my past experience’s tell me I would only be setting myself up for a big fall.

So next time you see a piece of litter, notice how it sits there waiting for the next breeze to whisk it away. Or notice how it stops suddenly. That’s me. The simple thing would be to put it in the bin and put it out its misery right? Unfortunately that’s not allowed


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