That back to work dread ( magnified)

The Christmas holidays has passed and new year has started. It was quite a nice time off and with my family. Then it’s time to go to work! Now the normal thoughts are ” oh darn it I got to go back, I don’t really want to go” but those words are normally empty and meaningless. But for me they are exactly how I felt and I was having panic attacks over it!!! When i mean panic attacks I mean I have a standard style one which then evolves into my whole body aching and starts shutting down, I go into a fever/flu with hot and cold feeling, shaking sweating chesty coughs light sensitive eyes etc…. this lasted for two days until someone left a comment on WordPress! I thought I was just ill at the time because I never gave it a second thought. But the comment made me rethink it all and it was a massive fear of going back to work!

 So I started breaking this fear into small bits trying to work out why? Thoughts were flying in and out round and round, it was like a tornado. I couldn’t make head nor tail of it. This left me in a worse state than when I started. So the only rational thing I could come up with was ” if it is making me feel this bad I should resign ” as soon as I made my decision I started to feel a lot better. As if the whole word had been lifted off my shoulders! I really could feel weight coming off!!!! This was around 10pm. In my head I had already started thinking how to hand in my notice, were talking .0003 seconds of deciding I was going to do it!!!

Morning came and I was still a little bit grot but 80% better than I was. I thought how can I tell my wife? How shall I tell my boss? Loads more thinking was involved in the same old washing machine fashion. I decided just to blurt it out to my wife. Response was, if you do your just running away, you will come across this later on if you find another job anyway! Just fight it and it will all go back to normal in a week or two. Now I had already thought of this but when it comes from a different person it make perfect sense! As if there saying I’m here to help!?!?

So I decided to carry on but I did speak to my boss about it, I said I was feeling a bit crappy about starting work and just to bare with me a bit. I like my job but it’s just my distorted way of thinking which is taking control at the moment. She was totally fine and was glad to know, she also adjusted my work load to help.

Now I have been back to work twice and the normal routine will start next week. It’s not going to be easy but I will try to keep going and get back to how I was before the Christmas holidays! 


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