It’s coming up to a year since I tried to take my own life. My train of thought today is very different than this time last year. Today has been a very clumsy and hap hazard type, but I have not once thought ” I have had enough of this shit” this is how it has gone.
I have been to work this morning and done my bit, then had a visit from my CPN and we talked about the future not the past!! that’s something we haven’t really done before as there have been issues to over come. All good so far. I got a text from my wife saying ” don’t forget the flowers”, what have I done? forgot the flowers!! I know who they were for but didn’t know if I had to get them or if she has them. Given that she is a florist I still asked her ” do I have to buy them, or do you have them” and we were going to get a bottle of red wine too so I also said ” are we doing the wine or not bothering?” OH the fallout was quite large! after a barrage of ” you never listen etc….” I knew I had pissed her off! So I took the dog with me to her work to pick up the flowers, my other mistake! she said ” how are you going to get the wine?” err…. I’ll do it ( somehow ) but she had none of it and came with me to the shop to get a bottle. We then parted and I went to the destination for the flowers and bottle. I had forgot what flat number they lived at!!! Phoned my mum as she lived in the same block, no answer. I had mums key so went in and asked the manager what flat, and I dropped them off. Started walking home and dropped the poo bag on the floor but couldn’t stop myself stepping on it! it exploded. Woops, picked it all up, put it in the park bin. Dog decided to do another one, as I picked it up my vape pen fell out my pocket but I didn’t notice at the time. Put poop in the bin and walked off while looking for the vape pen…… hummmm where is it? after looking in all my pockets and emptying all of them I thought was it in the bin? had a little look, nope. hummm walk back to the poop location, BINGO!!! picked it up but decided not to vape until I have cleaned it! lol. so walked home and…. where are my keys???? more looking in my pockets, nope. grrrr… so I went round the back and thought I will have to phone dad to let me in! had one final look and tadh there they are!! let myself in, once in I thought ” I best not go out again ,I’m a walking disaster”. All this time I could feel myself getting more out of sync with reality, as in I knew I was getting more clumsy and forgetful as time was going past but there was nothing I could do about it.
Now I was home I made a cuppa tea and sat down and thought about how it all panned out and had a little laugh about it! I text my wife and said ” its all done and I’m now home, and sorry about being not on the planet” she text back saying “that’s what you get for being an arse lol” I couldn’t agree more I replied!
If this had of happened last year it would have been a completely different story. It could have been enough to put me over the edge. At a minimum there would have been a massive argument and a lot of stress. I dread to think what the maximum would have been, my maximum has been a suicide before. I am counting my lucky stars that I’m not in the same place as I used to be! Last year I never thought I would be in the place I am now, things happen and I can cope with them. Sometimes they can cause me to falter but I stay on the right track. I don’t want to be anywhere else but here with my wife and child, no matter what life throws at me I still want to be here! I realise that my wife and child want me to be here alive, not dead with all the belongings that I have signed over to them in my will.
I hope someone reads this that is in the same state of mind as I was a year ago, so they can have the knowledge that it can get better, It may take time but it can get better, it will get better!! please hold on, stay in there, get as much support as possible, fight for it, you are wanted, you are needed!! I send out hugs and best wishes to everyone XXXX