Ok, so it seems like my recovery period is well on its way. And now instead of looking back I am starting to look at where I am now with a little peek at the future! In my mind it should be a good thing, but every time I look forward I get a bit scared and frustrated. The scared part feels like I am standing high up on one of those tree rope courses getting ready to jump across to the cargo net. Most probably because I don’t know what I want to do/be in the future (as in job wise) and frustrated because I shouldn’t be scared, it’s just a job, it’s life! I think it’s because I have this fear that that if something rocks my boat that is out of my control I maybe thrown back to where I have just come from, and I don’t want to take the risk. Hell is where I have just come from, months of trying to not end my own life and not succeeding. I don’t want to go there again. Only just last week my doctors didn’t sort out a prescription and I was 6 days without one of my tablets and it was ok for three days then I fell flat on my face and alsorts of crap was happening. Back on them now but it has shaken me up a bit as I now feel I’m not as strong as I thought I was. If that happened when in full time work I would either be sacked or would feel like I couldn’t go back because I let them down!
I suppose it’s a good thing to go through this now so I can iron out the issues now in part time work and not in full time! But this means how long do I hold back on life? I am so weary about day to day stuff because of the fear of things going bad. I mean even when walking to work I hear my own voice in my head saying things like ” I want a car to run me over” and if there was a person walking my direction it would say ” this person might start a fight and stab me” which in my mind is completely stupid, but it won’t stop! So the idea of working or getting out there is so daunting! So I just end up staying inside and try distracting myself with video games! And after the day is done I feel like I have wasted it.
I don’t feel I’m ready just yet but how long will it take? Will I ever be able to do it? Is this now my life? I’m so confused. It’s a bit like being in a boat with a compass but no map and not knowing where I am. I feel like screaming at myself to just get a grip and do something!!!
Also lately I feel I’m in the wrong body, or should I say in a body that isn’t functioning properly! My ankle is duff again and is causing a lot of pain which affects my knees and then my hip when I put it in my support. And when I didn’t have my tablets all sorts of stuff was happening inside my body that made me feel very unwell, which all leads to a low mood and feel deflated. Best I ride the storm out and wait for a calmer day to see what lays on the horizon I think……..