One of my wheels came off today!

So lately it seems I have finished “riding the highs ” as they call it and I came to a low today. I have been struggling bit by bit to keep the momentum going to be honest so it wasn’t much of a surprise, but it was the depth that shocked me. I was at a course which is all about how to be a better parent. At week one I realised I wasn’t a bad parent but just one that struggles with stress from what I have been through over the past two years and hiding all of it from my child and trying to look after the day to day stuff and trying to start a new life. I seem to struggle with the small stuff more than the big ( a bit weird!) anyway I went today and I had total brain freeze on an idea to put on the board. Then one came to mind. We then started working through it and at the last step the question was , what would someone else have done in your place? I thought for a moment and replied ” I don’t know, that’s why I’m here” I was asked again, and I replied again the same but with a few bad words in it and started to get quite hot under the collar!!! Very uncomfortable now. I wanted to leave, cry, and be anywhere but there as the others were all putting there points in too!!! However I stayed and we moved on. At the end I was asked to stay behind for 5 mins, I was ok with it and didn’t think much of it. This is how it went…

She said I looked very uncomfortable and very quiet in the second half. I said yep. Then we worked out there was pressure from myself to get things right, an internal nagging voice that will not stop all day everyday at loud volume. And then add a few people here and there just saying the small stuff it starts mounting up. And then the final bit was the daily fear of coming across or dealing with confrontation was the killer. At that point a single tear ran down my cheek. Then she said that I need counciling. She had been one for years and can see all the signs etc…… I said I know that but just can’t get any, my CPN keeps saying it’s a long list and I’m not on there yet. So she pointed me in a direction of a place that might help but I won’t hold my breath. But since that has happened the dark thoughts have returned and am trying to fight them back from whence they came. It seems like they were hiding all the long!!!! Yay another battle here we come.

Take care everyone


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