Revisited my blow up today….

So my day was going great and was just a standard day. I got home from my part time job and started building cage panels for a chicken cage. I finished one I started earlier in the week and started another. Thought I better make a cuppa. I noticed some post at the door and opened it up. It was from a debt collection agency 😱 it was from my telephone company! But I had non direct from them so couldn’t work it out. So I checked my bank statements and found my direct debit was still paying! So what was this all about???? 

I looked again at the letter and my name and address was at the top, but it was about a landline and mobile. I don’t have a mobile connected to them, further down it said while residing at a different address last year. I never lived there at all. Then it twigged, its to do with ID fraud I had last year!!!! I started to get frustrated (again) so I phoned up the agency and explained. They said I had to report it the the phone company and report it and they put there end on hold for 7 days. My thoughts were why do I have to it’s not my fault!! Stress started mounting which lead to angry feelings. 

As I phoned the telephone company I was on hold for ever, all the while the stress was building. The thoughts I had was the debt collectors would knock on the door and wouldn’t take into account the fraud and just burst in and take stuff!! And then I would just loose it and stab them or something!!! Let’s pause right there……

How can it go from a mistake from a telephone company to me stabbing someone???  These were the same feelings I had when that customer threatened me. The exact same thoughts ( and images ) even though the other side of my brain could see it was a mix up etc…. it just happened.

Any way, I got through to the telephone company and explained again. They were very helpful and said a team will investigate it and give them 14 days. This did not help my feelings or thoughts at this time though as I was too far gone. After the phone call I tried all the techniques to calm me down. Non stopped it. If you can imagine the feeling of personally being attacked and you would do anything to protect yourself that was how I felt. 

I sat there riding the high of it all for about 30 minutes or so. Then I came down, I had tried to phone my CPN but wasn’t there, and my mum, and my wife was at work so couldn’t phone her. All unavailable. So I phoned the samaritans, as I blurted it out I cried, for the first time ever!!!  It was like a car crash if anyone could watch it. After the phone call I felt stupid and pathetic. Then I had another little cry and felt  scared. I had lost control of my feelings worried that if someone had turned up at the door would I had done it??? This mirrored exactly what happened last time. It destroyed the rest of my day, i tried to continue the chicken cage but hardly done anything. Finally my CPN phoned and we went through it. Didn’t really do anything but I tried to get across that I felt personally attacked and I walk around daily with a suppressed version that is ready to pop out at any moment there might be confrontation. But I think he brushes it away.

So I have managed to bury it but it only seems for now. It seems like an uncontrollable beast ready and waiting. I am now thinking I have to sort it out. I will search for a councillor or something because I don’t want to hurt anyone ( even though I dont think I could but I said that about suicide but I did) otherwise I will walk around with it like a bomb ready to explode.

Has anyone else experienced this? And have you solved it? It’s all a bit much to keep inside and it is taking its toll. Any advise is greatly recived 🙂

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